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speak Manifesto [30 Jul 2008|02:09am] When I was in elementary school, I was hurt in a way no child should be hurt. It ruined things for me at a time when I was unprepared for anything devastating. The entire world was before me and I knew nothing of depravity and regret. This was the time when you start to learn what friends are, before you have any idea what girls are for. Where everything you do later in life has its roots. It would cripple some people, but for me growing up from that past made me supernaturally empathetic. It made me dread ever causing pain for anyone in the way I had pain inflicted on me. I grew up with the intention of preventing myself from being in that situation again, and from putting anyone else in my place. I was so averse to causing harm to others that I would make myself suffer to avoid it. Then, more than a decade later, I was hurt again. This time I could have been prepared for it, but at the time it was wholly unexpected. I had to reevaluate everything I had believed and start from the beginning, all because of the selfishness of one person. After this loss, I made my way through the 5 textbook stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The relationship I thought I had died, part of me died, and my view of what laid in front of me died. It took me a year to finally settle on acceptance, and I've inadvertently added "vindication" to the steps. Where I stand now, I'm nothing like the person I was growing up to be. I don't care if other people hurt, whether by my actions or someone else's. I want to rub my happiness in their maladapted faces. Your relationships aren't working out? You aren't happy with your job? You don't know what you want to do with your life? Fuck you. I'm complete in every way. I know where I am, I know where I'm going, I know how to get there, and I know who I'm going there with. Most importantly, I know who I am and what I stand for. Your desperate searches for passion are ridiculous. Your yearning for fulfillment is hilarious. Your blind and foolish search for self-awareness and meaning is pathetic. As for Verloren - the Truly Lost One - if I found you on fire on the side of the road I wouldn't piss on you to put it out. In fact, I'd probably be the one who set you on fire. But I don't feel the need to do that anymore. I'm past Anger. I know that you've set yourself up to burn by choosing the path most traveled. The safe way out. The path of settling for what you've got in the illusion of reliability. I fell into addiction. I was scraped along rock bottom. Now I have nowhere to go but up. Nothing but a promising future to look to. You and all who meandered around me while I wallowed in regret have nothing. Grasping at mirages of what a fulfilling life might look like. So I will sit here, and we will laugh at everything you could have had, but that you let slide right by.

1 can be heard |speak [13 May 2008|08:40pm] Thanks for the diamond?

12 can be heard |speak FRIENDS ONLY. [25 Mar 2005|01:33am] A person without secrets is a person you can't trust. Trust me.

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